If you're the kind of person who lives and breathes for Archie Comics news, which I am, then you probably remember an announcement from a while back about how the CW was interested in starting up an hour-long teen drama about Archie and the gang called Riverdale.

Now, we finally have more information about how the TV show is going to approach the classic characters, and I don't want to get anyone's expectations too high or anything, but this is the single most amazing piece of news I have ever read in my entire life.

Betty's on Adderall! Veronica's dad just got thrown into jail! Jughead hates Archie, who is harboring multiple dark secrets so horrifying that they are not even named in the casting notice! Anyone hoping for double-booked dates to the prom and a milkshake with three straws might want to brace themselves, but I am telling you right now: I cannot wait to watch this show.

The news comes courtesy of TVLine, where the breakdowns for the core characters were revealed. Here are the highlights:

 

ARCHIE ANDREWS - A high school sophomore, the redhead is still boyishly handsome but “pumped and looking good after working construction for his dad during the summer.” Oh, and he’s harboring more than one dark, terrible secret.

 

BETTY COOPER - The blonde and pretty sophomore is described as having “some self-esteem issues and affinity for Adderall.” Betty has an emotionally brittle mom, a goth-like sister and a coveted spot on the cheerleading squad — though with certain conditions…

 

VERONICA LODGE - Producers are aiming to ideally cast a Latina as this “silver-tongued” stunner, who has just returned to Riverdale from New York following a scandal which resulted in her father going to prison.

 

JUGHEAD JONES - A hearing-impaired actor is being sought to play Jughead as an “emo-heartthrob.” The lanky lad is Archie’s former best friend, seeing as the two still are smarting from a rift that took place between them.

 

Please, please go read the rest. They are amazing, and to be honest, the most shocking thing here is that they're turning Polly, Betty's sister, goth instead of putting the spotlight on her brother, canonical secret agent/super-spy Chic Cooper. Gotta save something for the season finale, I guess.

The pilot will be written by Archie chief creative officer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, better known to comics fans as the writer of Afterlife With Archie and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, and will be watched multiple times by me.