Literally One Billion Things You Missed In The ‘Avengers: Age Of Ultron’ Trailer
DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT TRAILER? We did. We saw it more than you. We saw it until our eyes blinked. We saw the heck out of that trailer. We love comic book super movies better than anyone! Who are you dressing as for Halloween? Ultron? LOSER. We're dressing up as a destroyed city or a screaming civilian running through the street, because we GET IT and you DON'T.
But you're cool too I guess, so we're going to tell you a few secrets about the Avengers: Age of Ultron teaser trailer. We paused every frame of that trailer (or there were gifs on Tumblr maybe) and now we know every hidden Easter egg, every clever surprise, every cameo that Marvel doesn't want you to see! (Unless they're hoping you'll go see the movie, in which case maybe this is all just marketing and we're playing their game? Holy cheese, I think I just stepped through the looking glass here. Look away you guys! IT'S A TRAP!)
AGE OF ULTRON IS LIKE 'THE BLACKLIST' WITHOUT THE BORING LIZZIE BITS
Have you seen The Blacklist? It's this TV show where James "voice of Ultron" Spader is a super-criminal who wears a hat and helps capture other super-criminals who don't wear hats. Sometimes he eats a fancy donut or shoots a guy. This week he went up against a villain who wanted to wipe out all life on Earth, which is also what Ultron wants to do, so that's pretty ultronic.
Avengers: Age of Ultron is very similar, because James Spader is in it. It's also different, though, because Age of Ultron has a woman named Lizzie, and she is the actual worst. She's always trying to tag along on his mysteries and trying to fight all the baddies, so she's basically Scrappy Doo. And Ultron doesn't have a Scrappy Doo, so Ultron is better than The Blacklist.
On the other hand, Ultron doesn't wear a hat.
WHO ARE THESE WEIRD GAP YEAR KIDS BACKPACKING AROUND EUROPE WITH ULTRON?
Did you notice that this movie introduces two new characters, a fella with white hair and a sad face, and a lady who looks like she runs an Etsy store, and they're played by those two actors who were making out in that Godzilla movie? Awk-ward.
You may be wondering who these new characters are. Well, we have some theories.
One of them has white hair, like Magneto, but Magneto isn't in this fictional universe, so we have to instantly disregard Magneto and any character who has any connection to Magneto. It's nothing to do with Magneto, OK? So stop saying Magneto. It's not Magneto.
So who else has white hair? Well, it also can't be Black Cat, Cable, Storm, Spiral, or Copycat, because other studios have the rights to all those characters. It can't be Joseph, the clone of Magneto. Didn't I already tell you it's nothing to do with Magneto? There are lawyers to stop that sort of thing. Come on.
He's probably a Kree. Noh-Varr, Genis-Vell, Phyla-Vel; a lot of those kids have white hair. Maybe he's Captain Marvel? Oh, but we see him running really fast, so he's probably Speed from the Young Avengers.
Wait, no. Magneto connection.
Must be Noh-Varr.
And the lady has red hair, so she's Henry Peter Gyrich. I think that's the only red-headed character in the Marvel Universe.
LOOK, THERE'S SPIDER-MAN
There's this rumor going around that Marvel and Sony are going to come to some arrangement to cross over the Marvel and Spider-Man Cinematic Universes, so here's the thing; being first is a huge deal in online journalism -- there's one website that posts whole articles that are just pointing to earlier articles and saying "See? SEE?", and that's, like, 49% of their content. So I want in on some of that sweet sweet journalistic credibility. So I'm going to say I saw Spider-Man, and you're all going to agree with me, and years from now when or if this actually happens, we'll all agree to say that I saw it first, OK? And I'll say you were second.
We're going to be so credible, you guys.
QUIVER IN FEAR BEFORE A TERRIFYINGLY CONVINCING SOULLESS ROBOT
Yes, it's true, Bradley Cooper's stunt double "Jeremy" something is back as Thatguy.
IT'S ANDY SERKIS! OR... IS IT?
Here is a scene of Andy Serkis playing... I'm going to say... Rintrah.
What you may not know is that this isn't really Andy Serkis, but a clay model of Andy Serkis filmed using stop motion techniques to capture his lifelike movement. The voice of Andy Serkis will be provided by Mae Whitman. Andy Serkis actually has nothing to do with this movie. SPECIAL EFFECTS!
LOOKING FOR NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED FUN
Now that Agents Of SHIELD is pretty much doomed because someone leaked the Age of Ultron trailer that was going to air during this week's episode and save its spiraling ratings, Disney/Marvel/ABC has decided to shift gears by seeding a possible Once Upon A Time crossover into the self-same Age of Ultron trailer. So clever.
The song "Got No Strings" is from the Disney movie Pinocchio, and the TV show Once Upon A Time is about Frozen, but also some other Disney movies like Pinocchio, but mainly Frozen, so that opens the door to an Ultron cameo in Once Upon A Time.
Hopefully the writers of Once Upon A Time learn from Agents of SHIELD's mistakes and remember to have a storyline between now and the movie crossover.
CAPTAIN AMERICA IS HELLA DEAD
Oh no! Oh well. No third movie for that guy.
CELEBRATE THE RICH DIVERSITY OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE!
Luke Cage. Misty Knight. Falcon. Black Panther. Rocket Racer. Because blaxploitation was big in the '70s, Marvel has a rich tradition of a few black characters. Kung fu movies were big as well, so there's even a few Asians. If only luchadore movies and Bollywood had been more popular in the U.S., just think how diverse the Marvel Universe would be!
Now that tradition has come to the screen courtesy of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, where Iron Man has a black friend, Thor has a black friend, and even Captain America now has a black friend. And look, up in outer space, there's Djimon Hounsou! Sure, the Avengers still looks like the steering committee at a country club, but look at their friends!
To celebrate Marvel's proud history of overcoming stereotypes by creating stereotypes and hoping the audience is grateful and gets over the blatant stereotyping because that's really all they're going to get for the next forty years, here's less than a second of Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury.
LIKE A BALLET TO THE BRAIN C'MON
Look, ballet dancers! So, I've been reading all the other 'x things you missed in this trailer' articles (wow, there's a lot of them) to make sure we weren't missing any of the things they say you're missing, and one of them said maybe this was to do with Black Widow either being a ballerina or having false memory implants of being a ballerina. Sounds cool. We think they're wrong.
In the first Avengers movie, the villain Loki went to see a string quartet play Schubert in Stuttgart. So in the sequel, Ultron is clearly going to go catch some ballet in some other fictional Marvel city like Wundagoresburg or something, and this is Tony, Steve, Thorbert, Bruce, and... I'm going to guess Hawkeye's name is "Hank", going undercover to intercept him. Instead of a third act that's all falling buildings, it's going to be all plies and... uh... salchows. Yeah, I don't know anything about ballet.
OR! This scene is in here just so Marvel can say it had more than two women on-screen at the same time!
HULK VERSUS SOME SORT OF BIG ARMOR
You may be looking at this Iron Man armor and thinking, "Woah, that's really chunky; when did Iron Man's armor get so chunky? Is this like how phones got smaller and now it seems like they keep getting bigger? Like, I've heard that miniaturization is passe, and people want their phones to be more like mini computers that do everything, but Iron Man's suit could do a lot of stuff already, so this seems a little unwieldy, and it's not like he needs a bigger screen to type on, right, because he has Siri, only he got his friend Paul Bettany to record the voice, and now that I think about it, damn it, I just realized the Vision isn't in this trailer, so what's up with that?"
And if you are thinking that, here's the inside scoop. That fat armor? We think it's specifically designed for fighting Bruce Banner when he's in monster form. We're calling it Iron Man's Brucepuncher armor. Marvel, you can use that on the toy if you like.
Oh, and you're right about the phone thing, they are getting bigger.
BLACK WIDOW RIDES A MOTORBIKE OUT OF AN AIRPLANE
You definitely missed this, so you're welcome. I'd probably watch a whole movie about this lady. Maybe even three of them. Dang, it's a real shame movies with female leads aren't marketable.
THOR IS WET AND HE'S NOT WEARING A SHIRT
So I'm just...
Sorry, did you... you're just hovering there. Did you need me for something?
An article about the... ?
I'm sorry, I'm...
Who are you again?
Yeah, look, sorry, I've got a lot on my mind. Try literally any other website, OK? They're running, like, five of these things an hour on MTV Nerd.